Better manage your emotions: understand what you are feeling to regain balance

 « I would like to learn how to control my emotions. »

It's one of the requests I hear most often in therapy sessions. Many people come to therapy with the impression that their emotions are a problem to be solved: too much anger, too much sadness, too much anxiety... As if the goal were to become perfectly in control of one's inner emotional world.

However, before trying to control our emotions, I find it important to clarify one essential thing: emotions are not our enemies. They are an integral part of our psychological functioning and play a fundamental role in our balance. Learning to live better with them does not mean stifling them, but rather understanding, listening to, and regulating them.

Why wanting to control your emotions doesn't work?

In our society, many of us learned very early on that we had to "control ourselves."

Who has never heard phrases like: "Stop crying," "It's not that serious," "Calm down a bit"...

It is partly with this kind of phrases that we gradually internalize that certain emotions are unacceptable. We then try to hide them, minimize them, or ignore them, but repressing an emotion does not make it disappear. When an emotion is not acknowledged, it remains active in the background.

And that's where it can manifest differently:

• by disproportionate reactions

• by persistent irritability

• by physical tensions

• by emotional exhaustion

Some people even end up "exploding" in situations that don't seem that important. I regularly use the metaphor of the carpet that ends up overflowing because we have developed the habit of hiding our uncomfortable emotions underneath. In reality, it is not the present event that triggers this reaction, but the accumulation of unexpressed emotions. That's why learning to manage your emotions starts with accepting that they exist...

Emotions: an essential information system

Emotions serve an extremely important function: they inform us about what is happening within us and around us.

To quickly mention the main ones:

• Fear alerts us to danger.

• Anger signals that a boundary has been crossed.

• Sadness often appears during a loss or a disappointment.

• Joy indicates that something deeply nourishes our well-being.

Without these signals, admit it, we would have much more difficulty navigating thru life, wouldn't we?

As psychologist Ilios Kotsou reminds us:

« Overwhelmed by our emotions, we are blinded, but without our emotions, we are blind. »

In other words, emotions can sometimes overwhelm us, but they remain essential for understanding what is important to us.

Developing emotional intelligence to better manage one's emotions

Rather than trying to control one's emotions, it is often more useful to develop what is called emotional intelligence. We hear a lot about it these days, so let's clarify a bit. This skill encompasses several essential abilities such as recognizing one's emotions, understanding what triggers them, expressing what one feels appropriately, regulating overly intense emotions, and perceiving the emotions of others.

Emotional intelligence plays a major role in the quality of our relationships as well as in stress management, decision-making, and self-esteem.

And as a reminder, it is not innate: it develops gradually, with practice and all this deep self-listening work. By listening to one's inner world, one becomes more aware and capable of acting to harmonize what surrounds us. This work requires a few progressive steps.

The first step: learning to identify your emotions in detail

Many people say, "I don't feel well." It's a good start, but behind this overall feeling can hide many different emotions: frustration, fatigue, fear, loneliness, disappointment... Taking the time to precisely identify what one feels already helps to reduce emotional intensity.

For example, I suggest a few simple questions you can ask yourself:

What exactly am I feeling?

At what point did this emotion appear?

In what situation does it most often manifest?

Putting precise words to an emotion helps the brain process it better; gradually, it will become an effortless reflex. You can ask yourself these questions in your head or write them down in a chart that you will fill out whenever an emotion crosses your mind. It's very effective for better integrating the exercise.

Understanding the message behind the emotion

Each emotion carries a message. Anger can indicate, for example, that a need for respect or justice is not being met. Sadness can signal a lack or a need for comfort. Anxiety can reveal a feeling of insecurity or uncertainty...

Rather than considering emotion as a problem, it may be useful to ask oneself:

"What is this emotion trying to tell me?"

This question often opens the door to a better understanding of oneself since we eventually come to realize that the emotion is linked to a deep need within us.

The importance of the body in emotion management

Emotions are not only manifested in the mind. They also manifest thru the body, and it would be a shame to overlook this because it gives us much more information than we sometimes realize!

One might feel, for example, a lump in the throat, a pressure in the chest, tension in the shoulders, or even a knot in the stomach.

These physical sensations are generally valuable indicators because they indicate that the emotional system is activated. I specify that any psycho-emotional study should in no way replace medical advice if the symptoms are significant and/or persist.

We are talking here more about contextual physical reactions. Learning to pay attention to these bodily signals often allows one to detect an emotion before it becomes too intense. Certain practices like mindful breathing, walking, or physical activities can help regulate these bodily reactions, so I can only recommend them for your overall well-being.

Welcoming an emotion without being overwhelmed

Welcoming one's emotions does not mean completely surrendering to them. It is rather about giving them their rightful place, while maintaining a certain inner distance.

A simple way to do this is to adopt an observational stance. Like telling yourself, "I notice that I am feeling anger." "I feel sadness at the moment."

This way of framing the experience creates a slight distance between you and the emotion. This space allows you not to act impulsively and to realize that you are capable of not letting all parts of yourself be under the influence of a too strong emotion.

Expressing one's emotions constructively

Emotions also need to be expressed. As mentioned earlier, when we keep everything inside, the tension often ends up increasing.

One can express an emotion in different ways:

• talk to a trusted person

• write what you feel

• practice an artistic activity

• share your needs as clearly as possible

Attention, the goal here is not to unload one's emotions onto others, but rather to communicate them authentically and respectfully (as much as possible). The idea is that they should be heard, acknowledged, and taken into account to find calm.

Emotions in Human Relationships

Our emotions also play a central role in our relationships.

They influence the way we communicate, set boundaries, react to conflicts, and connect with others, etc.

When we better understand our emotions, we often become more capable of understanding those of others. This relational sensitivity fosters more peaceful and authentic exchanges. No matter how introverted one may be, we remain "social animals"; let's not forget that we need others.

Learning to Navigate Emotional Storms

There are moments in life when emotions become particularly intense: a breakup, grief, a period of stress, or self-reflection.

In these moments, we seek to control everything out of fear that these emotions will overwhelm us. However, as we have seen, blocking them quickly leads to exhaustion.

To minimally alleviate this fear, it can be more helpful to view emotions as waves: they rise, reach a peak, and then fall. Even if in intense contexts the wave seems immense, it's time to learn to surf rather than take it head-on, right? This metaphor may seem a bit far-fetched, but it expresses the idea that when we accept to ride the waves instead of fighting against them, emotions often lose their power. This work also occurs gradually.

Reconnecting with Oneself to Soothe Emotions

Learning to manage our emotions better ultimately involves a more attentive relationship with ourselves. It means taking the time to regularly ask ourselves:

• How do I feel today?

• What touched me during my day?

• What do I need right now?

These small "moments of inner attention" help prevent emotional accumulation.

Over time, this self-listening contributes to calming those famous inner storms. We can take our nice notebook in which we started filling out our chart above and write down the answers to these reconnection prompts a little every day.

A Gradual Journey Above All

In certain situations, it can be valuable not to face what we are going through alone. Therapeutic support offers you a space to understand the origin of certain emotional reactions, develop more personalized regulation tools, and sustainably regain balance. In this article, I have tried to provide you with some keys to start this work at your own pace. I would be delighted to accompany you in continuing this work with yourself.

It seems important to remind you that learning to manage your emotions better does not mean becoming a perfectly calm person in all circumstances. Rather, it is about developing a more conscious and compassionate relationship with your inner world.

The more we learn to listen to what we feel, the more our emotions become allies rather than obstacles.

Thank you for your reading; feel free to share your impressions and comments just below.

I am a psychotherapist, and I support individuals who wish to better understand their emotions, relational difficulties, or more complex life periods.

My consultations are available in Besançon or via video call, wherever you are.

We all have a story, and sometimes certain stages become heavy to navigate alone. My role is to provide you with a compassionate and non-judgmental listening space to help you progress at your own pace.

You can simply contact me via social media or WhatsApp to ask your initial questions.

See you soon!